But what if it doesn’t go wrong?

FENNEL SEED CO. #1 | 08.04.23
in our rebirth era: samia on disbelief, pruning leaves, & reframing 🌀

My lovely friends Renuka, Farial, and I started a creative collective Fennel Seed Co. and a storytelling platform Fennel Seed River on Substack!! I hope to cross-post my Fennel Seed Substacks onto my blog, so you can get some more liminal musings in your inbox, eheh.

Each month, Renuka, Farial, and I will pick a theme (this month is ‘rebirth’), write a monthly theme intro. & announcements post, followed by three posts from each of us inspired by the theme (& other fun stuff):

Read Renuka’s inaugural post here: “in our rebirth era”
View my post on Substack here or read it below!

—S.A.

It’s beautiful to walk alongside Farial & Renuka in this soft lil space, Fennel Seed Co.

— daydreaming, learning together, and threading the first strands of a life-long, collective story (Inshallah). I feel joyful watching Renuka and Farial step into new atmospheres, their rebirths. We are constantly meeting new versions of ourselves.

My take on rebirth has to do with reframing my mindset this month and how that honors present and future Me.

“What if it doesn’t go wrong?”

This quote pops up on social media, from time-to-time; in motivational graphics or anecdotally on Twitter. The inciting phrase behind the quote is: “What if everything goes wrong?” I picture a teen main character of a coming-of-age film flopping onto their bed and lamenting to their mom or bestie about [insert situation here]. Our minds wander to the assumption that [insert situation here] is bound to turn out bad, not right, not good.

And underneath that is the churning feeling of: “So, why bother trying?”

Exactly a year ago, my dad had a bone marrow transplant. Those 6 to 7 months of his AML Leukemia & bone marrow transplant treatment have probably been the most life-altering months of my 20’s. During the arc of his treatment, my family and I felt the whole spectrum of hope, despair, anger, gratitude, and grief. A solace taken that what is written, is written. That we can try our very best and say we did. Now, a year later, he is doing so much better and making great strides in his health.

As life calms down, I’m still venturing out of the forest.

Sometimes, it feels like I’m letting life go by and not letting life happen to me. But I’m here: learning to believe that action leads to momentous change. Allowing myself to be present to the possibilities and taking in the crisp air. Pruning the leaves that weigh me down, that aren’t serving my growth. Not reflexively holding my breath to brace myself for “the next bad thing.”

I’m embracing and loving who I am right now (she’s pretty cool!).

We don’t really know the full map of our lives.

It’s mysterious how it all comes together. My spine tingles to think that retrospectively, our future selves will be in a very different place and space in life. Our future selves will naturally know more about how things became the way they are, beyond our current frame of reference. Doesn’t that make your spine tingle a little?

At the same time, we owe it to ourselves to take steps toward our best possible selves. Only we, alone, can really do that, while acknowledging the myriad of circumstances, conditions, and systems we must navigate.

Things don’t come easy, sure, but that doesn’t mean it won’t work out.

I’m reminding myself of this, and I hope you can take some courage in it, too: “I am not alone. And I am worthy of my best possible life.”

An accompanying journal prompt:

Name and describe a time when you were experiencing (self-)doubt about a situation and it worked out for the better. What happened? What shift in emotions did you experience? What did you learn from this experience?

With good energy,

samia a. from fennel seed co. ✨

Rebirth: Outro 🌱

We are really excited about what this time will bring us, and to begin to build a space where we can reflect on these experiences together. We are planting these seeds, hoping to grow lush gardens of diverse flora that reflect the beautifully diverse worlds we live in. This space, Fennel Seed River, will be a communal journal, asynchronous writing workshop, community bulletin board, and whatever else it evolves into as we grow into the space.

We hope to end each post with some prompts to stimulate your creative brain. If you end up reflecting on these questions, we would love to hear about it! Eventually, we would love to feature other people’s work, whether writing, visual art, videography, or other medium, through our platforms and uplift the beautiful artists that we are in community with.

Also, if there are any community asks or events that you would like us to share out, please share them with us via email at fennelseedco@gmail.com.

This month’s prompts:

What shifts, if any, are you experiencing in your life right now? How are you feeling about these shifts?
If you aren’t experiencing shifts, are there pieces of your life that you want to change? If not, how are you practicing gratitude for all the ways you are content in your life?

Thank you so much for sharing this space with us! 💫

About Fennel Seed Co:

Fennel Seed Co. is a space made by 3 South Asian & SWANA friends navigating our 20s as we explore how creativity and purpose coalesce. We are digesting the experiences life brings us and the ways our identities, seen and unseen, direct our perspectives, like bends in a river. Each of us is traveling along our rivers of self and mutual discovery, building community and family as we explore what our minds/ bodies/ spirits are drawn to. 🪐

But what if it doesn’t go wrong?