steeped by samia no.44 | 02.27.26
A writer & listener’s attempt to understand her brain better.
I’ve been wanting to write this post about the process of understanding my brain better. Falling into freelancing in my 20’s and navigating alll that comes with it, for starters, wasn’t very helpful in feeling a sense of focus or productivity or security in my routine. At the same time, there was so much happening in the first half of my 20’s that I had to process, heal from, and accept in the latter half of my 20’s.
Truthfully, an overarching theme that has impacted my sense of focus has been the discrepancies of who I was, who I am, who I think I need to be, and who people see me as. Dang, that really summed it up.
In any case, the miasma of work and life can really mess with your internal sense of momentum and can seep into your work day by making you put things off or second guess your work (or self worth!). Sometimes, it makes you take things personally. And sometimes, it can dampen your self worth and tarnish the things you’re passionate about (ie storytelling). I started to see dissatisfying patterns in my ability to focus or ‘be productive’. And it snowballed, overthinking leading to inaction.
It’s true; work is going to be a part of my daily life, at least 5x a week, for the foreseeable next few decades of my life. How do I feel better about it? I didn’t want murky feelings to be the prevalent throughout my day. I could feel the stress potentially showing up in different ways—hair loss, my Raynaud’s, my introverted-ness, my connections with people.
So, when faced with a lower project load last summer, I took some time to think about it all: Work. Career. Freelance. Psychology Post-bacc?? Amongst spending time with my aunt who was visiting from Pakistan, getting my wisdom teeth out, and enjoying our newly built sunroom, I don’t think I did all that much physically to narrow the aperture of my focus and direction. At the same time, it allowed me to just exist and spend time with the cats, do some writing, create a more structured routine, and indulge in media that makes me feel like me.
The Hidden Brain podcast has been a frequent companion on my daily walks, learning more about anxiety, focus, habits, transcending your circumstances. Last year, I learned about Narrative Psychology, and it felt like landing in a new but familiar world.
Throughout February, I jotted down notes to form this Steeped post. The central questions being: How do I find my focus or reset my sense of focus? How does my brain work?
Let’s wander through.
No. 01: Focus, the flow state—they elude me.
“My years of losing & finding my focus” is a play on that book title “My Year of Rest and Relaxation”. So many of us are struggling with focus, both in a day to day sense of getting things done and, zooming out, with our dreams and purpose in life.
I struggle with the LinkedIn, the Atomic Habits, the Forbes 30 Under 30 of it all. I have a different reality. And while my life comes with its privileges, there’s a lot I’m unlearning, including my time not feeling like my own, and understanding what it means to be in a strange, “neither here, no there” economic class in Silicon Valley.
Focus, to me, isn’t neutral. It isn’t a beautiful high. It’s the convergence of your brain and body finally doing the thing, having a stretch of time, and feeling awake and present enough, while swatting away yelling cats (Zayn) and parents wanting to get groceries with me or watching loud gameshows on TV.
And focus in a purpose sense? It’s always been there. Storytelling as a way to help and connect with people. At the same time, I’m in need of new, different or long lost layers to my purpose and dreams. To channel the Samia who ran for student body president and attained it, more than once. To channel the Samia who said “yes” to random and fun side quests, like working two weeks at book-ish summer camp at Stanford.
Something I’m noticing right now is that there is so much I want to do: personal branding, building my career, taking classes, writing Steeped, creating my interview series, volunteering, making a zine. It’s hard to find that convergence of interest, time, energy, and return. But I do know that I can look at things 1 to 3 months at a time, prioritize, and find energy in the momentum. And be honest, to myself and others, about my capacity.
No. 02: The atmosphere can shift. And throw me off.
I’ve always been a daydreamer, possessing ADHD-adjacent and anxious tendencies and minor fatigue issues (it’s the iron deficiency and Raynaud’s, lol).
I think this one is a bit nebulous, so I’ll try my best to explain. My brain picks up on atmospheres—”vibes”, if you will—that have a presence in how I move through situations, projects, spaces, relationships. Anything really. Like, how a particular moment at home can feel, two of my cats beefing or if my mom is manic. These atmospheres can also present themselves as shifts in a long-term freelance project, based on roles and responsibilities, what the team dynamics are, or what era the brand is in.
When I can’t place what the atmosphere is like or it feels different, it takes me a moment to feel present or secure. This can lead to my mood feeling funky or feeling distracted. I was feeling this way in December and part of January, a funk in certain atmospheres, and then things mellowed out. It became quieter, softer. The air felt breathable.
What does your interiority look like?
My brain is a cave with endless pathways, pools of water, and stalactites. My brain is a sprawling connected maps of worlds like Kingdom Hearts. My brain is tethered to my dreams and silly, little, fun stories that I have lived their for years. My brain is a cloud-like space, soft, wispy, and coalescing. My brain is the hallway of doors when Alice emerges into Wonderland from the rabbit hole.
No. 3. Getting closer to Sleepy Samia, my inner critic.
I had to be honest with myself that it didn’t feel sustainable. The way that an anxious mind can cause you to put off things. Either in my head (lol) or in my journal, I’d take notes of contexts where I felt unmotivated or not ready when faced with my To Do list. And as a freelancer, you’re never really done with work. There’s always another project to switch gears, finding the balance of getting priority tasks done and seeing which projects take more precedence some weeks over others.
In 2024, I had the lovely experience of doing a Group Coaching experience with my writer friends and I as participants, led by Tanvi Mittal. A session that was very memorable was talking through and getting to know our inner critics. It really stuck with me (thank you Tanvi and friends!).
We all agreed my inner critic was a Troublemaker. An unexpectedly sneaky Troublemaker. One that can really prevent longterm growth and action. One that can stop me from expanding my life.
My inner critic, let’s call her Sleepy Samia, is one who gets lethargic and anxious when she’s faced with hard things or snowballing work. She makes me put things off and let’s the weight of fatigue shrink me into the corner of my bed. Sleepy Samia would rather be watching anime or YouTube or scrolling Twitter/X—which is very risky when you maintain your own schedule and workload, lol.
Any way, I’ve gotten to know Sleepy Samia. She still shows up. We still go at it. But at least now, ‘I know how to be cognizant of her or divert my attention elsewhere. I’m more aware of her presence and ways to divert my attention to, for example, breadcrumb tasks that can get my work day going or go outside to photosynthesize (sometimes, with Zayn cat).
No. 04: The To Do Lists that work for me.
I have three-ish kinds of To Do Lists: Notion, To Do lists for each freelance project, and misc. written ones in my journal or on post-its.
I started using Notion last year but didn’t fully commit to it. Now, I use it more often to jot down miscellaneous and higher level tasks. Additional organizing lists are also documented on different pages, from my blog to brain dump. The key, for me, is to use it in conjunction with my project To Do Lists (Google Docs with organized tabs that is shared with each founder/team I work with), and on a more weekly / flexible basis. I’ll often organize things by priority or plan out what projects I should focus on for each day.
DM on Instagram or email me, and I’d be happy to send a link to this template I made 🙂
What’s also been helpful for me is writing “friction lists” and “weekly intentions”. Friction lists being challenges, roadblocks, or feelings about a particular task or project and weekly intentions as thinking up fortune cookie-like affirmations to start my week. I don’t do this all the time, in the physical sense of writing them down, but it’s a nice exercise, even in my mind.
And sometimes, when I wake up and my brain feels extra cluttered, everything just needs to stay in my brain, in the translucent columns and spirals and priority lists that pop up in the ether.
No. 5. Finding myself, over and over again.
In the cosmology of my life and who I’m shapeshifting into, I know that my relationship with myself, my solitude, is the essence that keeps me going. It’s Samia, writing in her Staples notebook in her room in middle school, sipping green tea. It’s Samia, taking a Friday walk to the local art museum.
I’m not wrong in thinking this work of understanding my brain and finding focus will be instrumental, heading into my 30’s soon. I have, I hope, so many years to enjoy things like art, reading, and volunteering. I have, what it feels like, less years to enjoy my youth, experiment, and do something vastly different.
I’m in the process of alchemizing my meandering trail into an expansive pathway. I can already feel my focus shifting.
Here, a few minutes before midnight, I’ll leave you with this:
Your brain is a wild, wild place. You have every day to explore it. — S.A.
💫 Catch Up:
01.16.26 | Notes on believing in your momentum, as you are
steeped by samia no.43: Tucked in the corner of a rabbit hole, somewhere soft & quiet.
💌 About This Blog:
Steeped by Samia is a space where I can simmer on thoughts & curiosities about life, liminal spaces, digital culture, & more. Far too often, my writing ideas fizzle out in energy; I never get to see them to their full potential. While building my rhythm with writing, I want to share these stories with you.
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